As many of you know by now, Stephanie and I recently had an addition to our family. Rather than bore you with my “version” of this event, I thought it would be best for Mason, our two-year-old son, to provide his interpretation of what transpired this week.
“Dad, where have you been? And Where’s Mom? I woke up this morning and you guys had taken off! Aunt Diane was here, but she’s been trying to feed me weird foods all day. She keeps prattling on about baby this and baby that. We went to park this morning and….. What? Go for a ride? Sure I guess. But what about Mom? She’ll meet us there? Alright, anything to get out of the house. Where are my shoes?
La, la, la, I am so great, I am so great! What? We’re going to the Hospital? Why? Mom is there? With a surprise for me? Okay, I guess that’s cool, but if I see that Nurse there who stuck me with those needles I expect you to distract her and I’ll……..oooohhhh, you’re right, that is a big building. Shiny too!
Hey look! A Fountain! Let’s play for a minute. What? We have to go see Mom? Why can’t she just meet us here? Maybe I could splash her with water! C’mon Dad, it’d be great. Oh, okay, we can go, but Mom better have some chocolate or something for me. Man, I’m starving…maybe some of those fruits snacks. They’re so juicy. I swear I could eat a hundred of those things. Hey look, an elevator! I love these! Let’s see how many buttons I can push. La la la, I am so great, I am so great! What does the red button do?
Dad, c’mon let’s do the elevator again! What? Mom’s on this floor? Okay, I’ll go look around for her. You stay here Dad. Maybe Mom will want to push buttons with me. What do you mean this way? I know where I’m going! Oh crap! A nurse, I’d recognize that transparent smile anywhere. Follow me Dad I think she’s this way. La, La, La. I am so great. I am so great!
Which room? This one? Hey look Dad, it’s Mom! Mom, where have you been?! You missed the fountain and the elevators and……..WHAT THE GUMDROPS? Mom, What happened? You look exhausted! Well, let me give you hug….Whaaa… Mom!!?? What is that in your arms? Get that thing outta here! Hey you, out of the way, your in my Mom’s huggin’ arms and I’m not gonna stand for this! BABY SISTER? Where? This thing? You said I’d be a BIG BROTHER! You didn’t say anything about this miniature ball of whatever! What?! This is baby sister? This is what the fuss is all about? NO, I don’t want to hold her! Well, okay, let’s take a look at her. Mmmphh! I don’t see what the big deal is. Breathtaking? I wouldn’t call her Breathtaking! Well, yeah she’s cute and…what does that got to do with anything! So what does she do? She can’t even open her eyes….oh well…okay, maybe she can. Yes they’re beautiful but….well, what else can she do? Can she recite the alphabet? Count to twenty? Stand on her head? No? Eat, sleep and poop? Big deal. I can do that. I think I can even do all three at once! Try and beat that my little red faced friend!
Okay Dad, I’ve had just about enough of this fairy tale, let’s get Mom and get the heck out of here. That elevator is calling my name and…..What? Baby sister is coming home with us? That is complete nonsense Mom…aaaahhhhh….Dad, can you believe what Mom just said, she…..No! No! No! Unacceptable! Where is she going to sleep? Oh no, that’s my computer room, she’ll get her sticky fingers all over my keyboard! What is she going to eat? Oh no, there’s little enough milk to go around, I don’t need this little half pint dipping into the fridge. Mom! Dad! C’mon! I really feel I should have been consulted about this! Last nine months? Baby Sister? Well… sure… I vaguely remember you mentioning….but I thought it was just so that I would behave. You know, like an empty threat? Like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. Well, I’ve seen her, now we can send her back to the North Pole or wherever it is that she came from. Oh man! This is not good, and where is that freakin’ chocolate?! I’m so hungry! I swear I’m starting to get the shakes.
Okay, just relax. Take a deep breath. I’m sure we’ll figure a way out of this mess. How could Dad be so naïve? Mom I understand, she’s been reading baby magazines for months now, I figured it would only be a matter of time before she wanted one, but Dad? I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him read a magazine. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure I’ve seen Dad read anything other than the sports section. Oh man, this is really going from bad to worse. Mom and Dad both seem resigned to just keep this thing. They can’t even wipe those goofy smiles off their faces! Maybe there is Customer Service Department on the way outta here. I can submit a complaint or inquire as to their return or exchange policy.
Hey.. wait a second! That was my surprise? That’s it? That’s the big deal? What do you mean? I’m a big brother now? I’m a BIG BROTHER now!!!! Cool. Okay, maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Is this an honorary title or a paid position? Benefits? Stock options? Pension Plan?. La, la, la, I’m a big brother now! La la la, I’m a BIG BROTHER now! I’M A BIG BROTHER NOW! I am so great!
“Dad, where have you been? And Where’s Mom? I woke up this morning and you guys had taken off! Aunt Diane was here, but she’s been trying to feed me weird foods all day. She keeps prattling on about baby this and baby that. We went to park this morning and….. What? Go for a ride? Sure I guess. But what about Mom? She’ll meet us there? Alright, anything to get out of the house. Where are my shoes?
La, la, la, I am so great, I am so great! What? We’re going to the Hospital? Why? Mom is there? With a surprise for me? Okay, I guess that’s cool, but if I see that Nurse there who stuck me with those needles I expect you to distract her and I’ll……..oooohhhh, you’re right, that is a big building. Shiny too!
Hey look! A Fountain! Let’s play for a minute. What? We have to go see Mom? Why can’t she just meet us here? Maybe I could splash her with water! C’mon Dad, it’d be great. Oh, okay, we can go, but Mom better have some chocolate or something for me. Man, I’m starving…maybe some of those fruits snacks. They’re so juicy. I swear I could eat a hundred of those things. Hey look, an elevator! I love these! Let’s see how many buttons I can push. La la la, I am so great, I am so great! What does the red button do?
Dad, c’mon let’s do the elevator again! What? Mom’s on this floor? Okay, I’ll go look around for her. You stay here Dad. Maybe Mom will want to push buttons with me. What do you mean this way? I know where I’m going! Oh crap! A nurse, I’d recognize that transparent smile anywhere. Follow me Dad I think she’s this way. La, La, La. I am so great. I am so great!
Which room? This one? Hey look Dad, it’s Mom! Mom, where have you been?! You missed the fountain and the elevators and……..WHAT THE GUMDROPS? Mom, What happened? You look exhausted! Well, let me give you hug….Whaaa… Mom!!?? What is that in your arms? Get that thing outta here! Hey you, out of the way, your in my Mom’s huggin’ arms and I’m not gonna stand for this! BABY SISTER? Where? This thing? You said I’d be a BIG BROTHER! You didn’t say anything about this miniature ball of whatever! What?! This is baby sister? This is what the fuss is all about? NO, I don’t want to hold her! Well, okay, let’s take a look at her. Mmmphh! I don’t see what the big deal is. Breathtaking? I wouldn’t call her Breathtaking! Well, yeah she’s cute and…what does that got to do with anything! So what does she do? She can’t even open her eyes….oh well…okay, maybe she can. Yes they’re beautiful but….well, what else can she do? Can she recite the alphabet? Count to twenty? Stand on her head? No? Eat, sleep and poop? Big deal. I can do that. I think I can even do all three at once! Try and beat that my little red faced friend!
Okay Dad, I’ve had just about enough of this fairy tale, let’s get Mom and get the heck out of here. That elevator is calling my name and…..What? Baby sister is coming home with us? That is complete nonsense Mom…aaaahhhhh….Dad, can you believe what Mom just said, she…..No! No! No! Unacceptable! Where is she going to sleep? Oh no, that’s my computer room, she’ll get her sticky fingers all over my keyboard! What is she going to eat? Oh no, there’s little enough milk to go around, I don’t need this little half pint dipping into the fridge. Mom! Dad! C’mon! I really feel I should have been consulted about this! Last nine months? Baby Sister? Well… sure… I vaguely remember you mentioning….but I thought it was just so that I would behave. You know, like an empty threat? Like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. Well, I’ve seen her, now we can send her back to the North Pole or wherever it is that she came from. Oh man! This is not good, and where is that freakin’ chocolate?! I’m so hungry! I swear I’m starting to get the shakes.
Okay, just relax. Take a deep breath. I’m sure we’ll figure a way out of this mess. How could Dad be so naïve? Mom I understand, she’s been reading baby magazines for months now, I figured it would only be a matter of time before she wanted one, but Dad? I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him read a magazine. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure I’ve seen Dad read anything other than the sports section. Oh man, this is really going from bad to worse. Mom and Dad both seem resigned to just keep this thing. They can’t even wipe those goofy smiles off their faces! Maybe there is Customer Service Department on the way outta here. I can submit a complaint or inquire as to their return or exchange policy.
Hey.. wait a second! That was my surprise? That’s it? That’s the big deal? What do you mean? I’m a big brother now? I’m a BIG BROTHER now!!!! Cool. Okay, maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Is this an honorary title or a paid position? Benefits? Stock options? Pension Plan?. La, la, la, I’m a big brother now! La la la, I’m a BIG BROTHER now! I’M A BIG BROTHER NOW! I am so great!
1 comment:
Dan, that was great. Very creative.
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